It was time for another review of another nostalgic movie for the Nostalgia Critic. And on the menu for today was Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.

Strangely enough....after a billion requests from fans.

"Hello i'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I remember it so you don't have to! Today we have a... Weird case of a film, that fails to make any resemblance of sence to anyone who hasn't played the game already. Of course, I'm talking about the trainwreck that is Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. Now, don't get me wrong. The fight scenes are awesome, even though they fail to have any realism whatsoever. The graphics are nice, the camerawork is okay, but the one thing that makes me want to take a dive in a pool full of vomit is the story. So let's dive right into it."

"GET HIM!!!" Came a shout as a black, muscle-bound arm came down from the ceiling and grabbed the Nostalgia Critic, pulling him away.

"Wha--!" The Critic yelled. "What the hell is goin--"  Then, his world turned black.

The Critic awoke an unknown amount of time later, strapped to a chair.

"Okay... This is strange" He said, simply.

"Why am I bound to a chair? Where am I? And where is my coffee?"

"We don't drink coffee around here! Now shut up and drink your GODDAMN TEA!!" Came a gruff voice.

"Do I look british to you? Do I?" *Apologies to British People Everywhere*

"Yeah...As a matter of fact, you do." Said the gruff voice, as a lit cigarette landed in the Critic's shirt.

"Oh, christ!" The Nostalgia Critic yelled, and squirmed around in the chair to get it off.

"Ugh...just take it off." Came a different voice.

"....Seriously? A lit cigarette? That's the best you could come up with?"
The Critic said, unimpressed.

"What?" Said the gruff voice

"I said, just take it off."  Said the other voice.

"Fine." Said the gruff voice. And then the blindfold the Critic was wearing was removed.

The Critic found Cid Highwind staring him in the face. He blew a puff of smoke at the Critic.

The Critic coughed a little. "Okay, that delivery was better than the last two. And... OH MY GOD, You're CID!"

"Yeah. What of it?" Cid said, backing away from the Critic.

"....There's a thousand and one plot holes right there.[sarcastic] "Sense? What's sense!"

Cloud Strife walked up to the Critic and pointed his buster sword at him. "There's a thousand and one pounds that say you should shut up right now."

"oh hey, it's cloud, the effeminate Protagonist that I swear is compensating for something------ Oh. Forget I just said that. You're obviously pissed."

Cloud pointed the sword at the Critic's crotch.

"OkayI'llShutUpnow!" The Critic said, quickly.

Cloud slug the sword over his back,  and then crossed his arms.

"So....you have a problem with our movie?" He asked

"A few problems, actually. Lack of gravity, Plot Holes, general senselessneess?"

"Go on...." Cloud said.

"You got from Midgar to the Forgotten City in a few hours. It's on another continent. Explain, movie. EXPLAIN."

"Yeah....he doesn't get it." Could said, and snapped his fingers.

A moment later, Tifa Lockhart came over.

Critic: "And you. How are you not suffering enourmous ammounts of back pain with those knockers?!"

*Cue boot to the head.*


"I had that one coming, didn't I?" Said the critic, as he spat out some teeth.

"Okay, so what do you guys want." He said.

Tifa walked off.

"A better review for starters" Cloud said.

"I said the Graphics are nice, the fight scenes, although physically IMPOSSIBLE, are cool. I didn't hate it... I just thought it could have delivered explinations for things poeple who haven't played the game before And the plot holes you can drive trucks through."

An enormous shurken landed right between the Critic's legs. It didn't hit anything, though.

"Well that was pointless." The Critic said, rolling his eyes.

"Wrong answer." Cloud said.

"What, a guy's not allowed to state his opinions anymore?"

"Last I checked....no."

"Well, THAT stinks."

"Welcome to life."

"I thought Life was supposed to make sense?"

"And what planet have YOU been living on?"

"Earth."

"Well, at least we have one thing in common."

"//My// Earth."

Cloud used the shurken embedded in the ground as a foot rest.

"Perhaps."
"Okay, so what's your motivation? "Why did you kidnap me and take me to your universe? Cause wanting a better review? How low could you get?"

"Simple. We are the beings of perfection. You seek to ruin that reputation and refuse to be persuaded otherwise..." Cloud made the point of the shurken move closer to the Critic's crotch. "...And for that you must be destroyed."

"Oh, great. More people out to kill me. And nothing is perfect-- Except me."

"Do you really believe that?"

The Critic nods in response. Cloud made the point of the shurken move even closer to the Critic's crotch.

"O---Okay, let's not get hasty. And... Apologies for the bad pun." The Critic said.

Cloud raised an eyebrow. "So. All you have to do...is give us the good review, and we can both pretend this never happened."

"O...Okay, Just put the shuriken away, and we can negotiate." The Critic chuckled, nervously.

Cloud moved his foot off the shurken, causing the point to move closer still. He snapped his fingers, which resulted in Yuffie Kisaragi to drop down from the rafters of the warehouse the group was in and collect her shuriken.

"Oh, hey, its that one Ninja Chick that fails at hiding!"

The Critic said, in mock surprise.

A few moments later, a man crashed through the ceiling of the building, wielding an extremly long sword. It was pointed straight down. The man landed next to the Critic, with the sword lodged in the ground between the Critic's legs.

"Ah! Oh, hey. It's that chick dressed in black. I forget your name. Sepphy? Selphie?"

Sephiroth turned and glared at the Critic. He then pulls his sword out of the ground, slitting a few threads in the Critic's pants.

"Eh? Wait, you're a dude? Sorry, all your characters in this game are so Adrogeynous I can't tell. The only one who looks manly is that Mr T guy."

Sephiroth waves off Critic and turns to Cloud. "I'm looking for Aerith Gainsborough...Do you know where she is?" Cloud stared dumbfounded for a moment, and then pointed to a door in the back. Sephiroth nodded and went back there.

"Oh hey, he's going to kill Aerith again! In case you can't tell, he's the villian!"

Barret got up and walked over to the Critic. He pointed his gunarm at him. "I thought we told you to shut up."

"I can shut down if you want me to, but that'd get messy." The Critic said.

"And the name's Barret Wallace."

"Oh hey, its that Mr T guy I just talked about. Hey *Cough*MrT*Cough* Barret"

Barret aimed his gunarm at Critics crotch.

"E---Eheeheh. That was a compliment?"

"...Call me Mr. T one more time....see what happens...."

"....How do you even know who Mr T is? He dosen't exist in your world. Plot Hole!"

Barret fired. The Critic screamed. "OH GOD, IT HURTS!" The shot only narrowly missed the Critic's....man parts.

"...Okay, quick question?" The Critic said.

"What?" Barret replied.

"How does your Gun Arm even work. Its physically impossible, how do you controll it?"

"Like this." Barret said, firing again.

"Is it hooked into your nervous system, or wha---- OW!"

"Now shut up."

"O....Okay."

A few moments of awkward silence later, Sephiroth came out of the back room carrying Aerith in mid kiss.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" The Critic said, dumbfounded.

"I...I don't even... This does not work... No, no. No, NO. NO."
"No. NO NO NO."
"THIS DOES NOT WORK."
"NO."
"I'm projecting my NO onto this!"
"No!"

Barret clonked the Critic on the head with the gunarm this time.

"Ow!"

"He proposed!!" Aerith shouted, waving a ring-clad hand.

"N--NO! NO, NO. DOES NOT COMPUTE-- NO! NO!"
"THIS-MAKES-NO-SENSE!"
"NO!"

After a moment of silence, aside from the Critic's "NO"'s, people started clapping.

"WHY-ARE-YOU-CLAPPING?! Wh...How does this even..."

"No-No-NO!"

"You're supposed to have killed he--- She came back from the--- NO, NO!"

"DOES NOT WORK"

"Hey! Be happy for the girl." Cid shouted at the Critic

"EXPLAIN. EXPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!" *Cue Nuclear Explosion*

The shurken landed between the Critic's legs again.

"And will you /stop/ doing that?!"

"Fuck you, critic!" Yuffie shouted

"But it dosen't make sense! It has no resemblance of reality! Everything that's happening now makes no sense!"

"Could it be...." Cloud said. "...That maybe YOUR would makes no sense?"

"It //MAKES NO SENSE//!"

"I'm putting my foot down! It makes no SENSE! How did she come back from the dead?! Why is Sephiroth's character derailed!"

"She was never dead. Sephiroth was never evil." Cloud said, simply.

"Why ARE THEY MARRIED?!"

"Cause they are."

"No, No. no. THIS. MAKES. NO. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENSE! Sorry, I'm going for a two-fer!" *Cue Nuclear Explosion*

"Barret...can you PLEASE make. Him. SHUT. UP!?" Could said, annoyed.

"Y--You shut up, you weird effeminate... Thing!"

Barret smacked him with his fist this time.

"Ow! Will you STOP DOING THAT?"

Barret hit him again.

"Ow! That hurts, you know!"

"It would all stop if you would just shut up, ya know." Barret said, getting in Critic's face.

"It would stop if this all made sense! I think I've finally snapped!"

Barret headbutted the Critic.

"Your movie must have made me crazy---- OW!"

"So...." Cloud said, as Sephiroth and Aerith left the building. "...Are you going to consider our proposal or not?"

"Maybe if this whole thing MADE SENSE!" The Critic said, frustrated.
"For one, how did I even get here?"
"For two, you're fictional characters!"
"For three, Aeris is Dead!"
"For four, Sepiroth KILLED HER!"

Cloud sighed. "Take off his pants..."

"And did I mention HE'S THE VILLIAN?" The Critic rambled.
"PLOTTING TO END THE WORLD?"
"MARRYING AERITH?! IT-DOSEN'T-MAKE-SENSE!"

Tifa returned, wearing spiked knuckles.

"There's never been a more obvious villian than Sepiroth!" The Critic said.

"Start thinking about what you say..." She glanced down at Critic's crotch. "...Or I'll smash them."

The Critic rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"So....are you going to give us the positive review, or what?" Cloud said

"I'm a cynical reviewer. What do you expect?" The Critic said, sarcastically.

Cloud snapped his fingers, prompting Tifa to prepare to punch the Critic in the groin. She raised her fist.

"...Pleasedon'tkillme?"

"Then give us the positive review."

"It goes against everything I am! It's not like I didn't hate your movie, I already said that! That's about as positive as I can get!"

"Then I guess you won't be need this then..." Cloud said, pointing at the Critic's groin

"....If this is all a dream, can someone wake me up now?"

"Sorry pal."

"...Well, there's only two people that can help me now."

"Last chance....are you gonna give us the review or what?"

"Chuck Norris." *Cue Chuck Norris Graphic*

"And--- SANTA CHRIST!"

"Santa Christ is dead, you idiot. You killed him."

"But he came back on the third day! Remember? The ending of Kickassia?"

"...Shit."

Santa Christ appears!

*Cue Santa Christ Theme*

Tifa spins around ready to fight Santa Christ.

"Can you get me outta this /bind/, Santa Christ?" The Critic asked.

"Oh-ho-ho! Sure thing, Critic!" Santa Christ said, and prepared to fight Tifa.

"Bring it on..." Tifa said.

Santa Christ dispelled Tifa's materia with Dr Insano's Anti Magic Field Generator.

"Oh-Ho-Ho! Just so you don't try anything funny!"

Tifa performed a Beat Rush.

Santa Christ reappeared behind Tifa. He then caused Tifa to become "Bonded".

"Oh-Ho-Ho-Ho!"

"Let me go, you creep!"

"I don't think so, Tifa! Now to save the Critic and get back to reality! Do-Ho-Ho-Ho!" Santa Christ said, and unbounded the Nostalgia Critic.

"Oh gee, you're an awesome guy!" The Nostalgia Critic said, as he was untied.

Cloud had got his buster sword to connect with Santa Christ, but not before the Critic had been freed.

Santa Christ dodged.

"Let's get out of here, Santa Christ! To reality!" The Nostalgia Critic said, powerfully.

The sound of gunfire rang out as Barret proceeded to try to fill Santa Christ with lead

"Oh-Ho-Ho-Ho!" Santa Christ said, as the bullets passed right through them. "Your plotholes are so big they caused me to be unaffected by your impossible bullets!"

"...Damn." Barret said.

"This isn't over, yet!" Cloud shouted as the Critic made his escape.

"No, Cloud! It has only just begun! MY REVIEW, THAT IS!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA---" *Teleports out*

"Well that fucking went well!!" Cid shouted.

The Nostalgia Critic and Santa Christ appear back in the Review Room, and the Critic began his review.

Only, one slight difference.

"WHAT?! I'm a GIRL?!" The Nostalgia Critic said, noticing.

"N--No---It--Does-not-----NO! THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE"

Cait Sith appeared next to the Critic. "Hey, critic. How's it going?" He said in a squeaky voice.

"HOW DID YOU GET HERE? WHY AM I A GIRL? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Explain, Cait Sith. EXPLAIN!"

"I believe you were warned that you would not be needing your, ahem...man bits, if you did not cooperate..."

"Oh, goddamnit. That opens up a whole new can of plot holes!"

"Not really."

"Like how is such a thing possible? What, is there a sex change materia too?! HUH?"

"...Maybe"

".....Well I'll be damned...."

"...You know...I might be able to, ahem...help you out a bit..."

"...Oh? Do tell."

Cait Sith coughed a bit, while the moogle held out it's hand.

"....This is a trap, isn't it? You just want to bring me back to your world! Not falling for it, No!"

"...That depends on your, ahem....responses."

"....Ewww. Wait, what?"

"Woah, woah woah! Not like THAT!!! ...I don't swing that way!"

"....Oh. Good. For a second there, I thought you were going to torture me with random girly giggling."

"....Oh....Is that what you---nevermind."

"......So.... What responses are you talking about?"

"No, all I'm saying is you, ahem....scratch my back and I'll....scratch yours."

"Ewwwwwwww."

The moogle held out it's hand again.

"Oh, fine. It's not like it'd be any worse than being a girl for the rest of my life then." The Nostalgia Critic said, taking the moogles hand.

"....That wasn't quite what I was getting at, but.....we'll see where it leads."

".....Well, what are you waiting for? More plot holes? They'll show up soon, but I'd rather not wait."

"...Was kinda hoping for Gil, but I guess your person will have to do." Cait Sith said, pressing a button on the moogle. A portal opened up.

"What? i don't have Gil. We don't have that currency here."

"Let's go!" Cait Sith said, dragging the Critic into the portal.

"....Yay."

The portal dumps Cait Sith and the Critic into a small room. The room is empty save for a chair and a lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.

"Oh gee. An interrogation room. I can see where this is going."

The door opened, and in walked Cloud. He was carrying a giant nail bat.

"Oh, a TORTURE room. [sarcastic] THAT makes things better."

"Least I haven't got any balls for you to crush anymore."

"Yeah....shouda known better than to trust the mole! So long Critic, and fuck you!" Cait Sith said, leaving the room.

"I saw that coming, but went along with it for the sake of plot." The Nostalgia Crittic shrugged.

Cloud just chuckled and lifted up the bat. "...Oh, we're gonna have fun tonight."

"....Is it safe to mention I'm still into girls?"

"Don't care." Cloud said, cracking the Critic over the head with the bat.

His world faded to black. The Critic woke up an unknown amount of time later.

"Oooh.... My head...."

The Critic's face was all bloody, and his/her clothes were torn.

"...Wha..... What the...." His trademark hat was also missing.

"MY HAT! THOSE BASTARDS!"

The Critic was still in the room, sprawled out on the floor.

"....Why am I not dead?" He said, flatly. "What, do Phoenix Downs now work OUTSIDE of battle, too?"
The area seemed... Eerily silent.

The Critic picked him/herself up and s/he looked for a way out. As it turned out, there was a very convenient, unlocked door leading out of the room.

"Obvious trap? Eh, what the hell." The Nostalgia Critic said, and oepened the door. Outside the door was the warehouse from earlier. However, there was nobody in sight.

The Nostalgia Critic searched for a way out of the warehouse.

It wasn't that hard....There was a door leading out onto the streets of a dark city.

"Hmm.... Well this is weird." He said, walking out.

The streets were narrow, crowded with buildings. The air reeked. And high above could be seen one massive skyscraper. On the building could be seen a sign reading "Shinra Electric Power Company."

"....Midgar? Well that's.... Different."

The Critic looked around for the FF7 Gang. As the critic walked away from the warehouse, it suddenly EXPLOOODED, and Large Hams flew everywhere! However, the Critic didn't look back. It was a /cool/ explosion.

The critic eventually found a sign indicating his/her present location was Sector 6.

"Oh.... Goodie. Not the one that explodes then. Right, I think I remember my way around this damn city from playing the game..." The Critic shrugged, and attempted to find a way out, but eventually accidentally winding up in the Wall Market.

"Oh.... Greeeeeeeat."

A couple of guys walk up to the Critic. "Well...hello there. What's a girl like you doing around Wall Market?" One of them said.

"Umm... Looking for a way out of Midgar?"

"Wellllll....I think I might....know of a way out...." He said, while the other one started giggling like an imbecile.

"Okay, you two are obvious villians, so... Bye. And stuff." The Critic said, attempting to walk away.

"Aww come on! Live a little!"

"No, I'm not into guys----Guys like you, I mean"

"Oh ho! ....I think we can help you with that as well..."

"....What do you mean by that? Don't make me go all Chuck Norris on your ass."

"Come with us....and we'll show you..."

"No, No, NO, NO. NO."

"Ah....your loss."

"My gain, you mean."

As Critic turns to leave, S/he finds him/herself face to face with a few brutish thugs.

"Oh.... Great. So what, you gonna kidnap me? Then what, rape me?"

"Not so fast, sweetthing"

"...No dice." The Critic said, and kicked one of the guys in the 'nads.

"You're comin' with us--Gah! Get her!" And the thugs descended onto the Critic, as he attempted to flee-- However, they manage to get ahold of her.

"Ow---Let--Me---Go---I'm--Into---Girls!"

They drag her off to Don Corneo's mansion. The Critic screamed, struggled, and kicked the whole way. They managed to get her inside, despite the resistance.

"LET-ME-GO-YOU-FREAKS!"

"Ok, in ya go! Don 'll be here to check you out later." One of the thugs said, tossing the Critic into the dungeon under Corneo's mansion.

"Owwwwwwwww!" The Nostalgia Critic said as s/he hit the floor.

"Why do I get the feeling of impending raping coming my way?"

A random thug comes down the stairs, carrying a...rather skimpy dress. "Here. Put this on."

"No. I'm not wearing a freaking dress! I used to be A GUY, you know?!"

"Don't care...now put it on."

"No. DOES-NOT-WORK. NO. No. No, no no no. NO. NO! NO!!!!!!"

"Put on the damn dress, bitch!"

"No."

"I'm not leaving til you put it on."

"And I'm not putting it on till you leave."

"We'll comprimise....I'll turn around."

"No."

"Put on the dress....there are people waiting..."

"if they aren't horny lesbian girls, then NO. I'M NOT DOING IT WITH A GUY. NO."

"There....might be some."

"You'll have to do better than "Might"."

"There was....one girl...I don't know if she was a horny lesbian, though."

"Ask her, then. Cause there is no way in hell I'm doing it with a guy. No. No way whatsoever. NO."

"....Fine." The thug left for a moment.

A while later, the thug returned. "Yeah. She'll do it."

"Awesome."

"Now put on the dress."

"When you leave the room."

"Fine. Knock on the door when you're done." The thug said, leaving the room. The Nostalgia Critic got changed. "If I have to bang some lesbian chick to get out of here, I might as well do it in style." S/he then knocked on the door.

The thug opened the door. "Alright, looin' good!"

"You could say that." he said, obviously not liking having to wear the dress.

The thug led theCritic out the front. Where s/he found Cloud and Tifa waiting. They did not look happy.

"...WHAAAAAT!" The Critic said, surprised.

"What a shocker to find YOU here." Cloud said.

"I was TRYING TO FIND A WAY OUT AND GOT ASSAULTED!"

"Yeah....I believe you..." Tifa said.

"Wait, what? You BELIEVE me?"

"What, you don't remember? Oh that's right....you're the prick who hate's Final Fantasy 7."

"I never said I hated it. I said the plot of the movie made no sense. Most of the time."

"You may as well have."

"Well, why are you here?"

"Alright, let's go." said Cloud.

"Oh, leaving so soon?"

"You are coming with us."

"...What? You've already tortured me."

"You heard me."

"Well, FINE! It's not like I can refuse. So where the hell are we going?"

"You'll see." Tifa said.

The Critic rolled his/her eyes, and went down to Tifa and Cloud, reculantly.

Cloud and Tifa led the Critic to a buggy. They dragged the Critic inside and drove off.

"....You gonna tell me where we're going, or...."

"No." Cloud said.

"....Greeeeeat. I COULD point out plot holes, but you'll somehow manage to make me even less of a man than I already am--- And now, I'm a woman!"

They eventually drove all the way to Costa Del Sol.

"Wait, I thought this place was on another continent? Plot Hole! It's like FFVII:AC all over again."

"Yeah....Did you forget we took a ferry durring all your incessant rambling?" Cloud said, sounding exasperated. "....You better be worth the 3000 Gil..."

"...........I think you knocked me out then. Cause I made another comment on Tifa's massive knockers."

"Yeah, I think I did...." Tifa said.

The Critic sighed. "Okay, so why are we in Costa Del Sol?"

"We have a cottage out here...Plus it's nice warm beaches and salt air." Cloud said, parking the buggy.

"....You have an ulterior motive, don't you? his isn't a vacation, is it?"

"...Maybe." Cloud said. They dragged the Critic inside.

"........"

They dragged him/her into a bedroom.

"Is this going... Where I think it's going?"

"Depends? Where do you think it's going?"

".....Rape? Why else would you two drag me to a bedroom?"

"Would you really call it rape?"

"Yes. Yes I would."

"Would you really?"

"Yes. Yes I would." Cloud looked over at Tifa. Tifa looked over at Cloud. The Critic looked over at him/herself. Awkward pause.

Tifa looked over at the Critic.

"So..." The Critic said, slowly.

"So..." Tifa said.

The Critic looked over at Cloud. "So..."

"Hmm..." Was Clouds response.

The Critic looked at Tifa. "Hmm..."

"Yah!!" Tifa shouted, tackling the Critic and landing on the bed.

"Wh--Whaaaaa?!" The Critic said, as s/he landed on the bed.

Tifa put a finger over the Critic's lips. "No more talking."

"Mm...mmmmm?"

"Time to end the compensation jokes...once and for all..." Cloud said.

"Mmm....Mmmmmm?"

Tifa removed her finger. "Ok, what the hell are you saying?"

"Mmmm?"

"Speak normal English, please."

"Mm....O...Kay?"

"Tifa? You're... Bi?"

"...Maybe."

"Well that explains the subtext between you and Yuffie."

"SHUT UP!! THERE WAS NOTHING BETWEEN US!!"

"Hey, take it easy. I've got nothing against you having a thing for Yuffie."

Tifa introduced her elbow to the Critic's jaw.

"Ow!"

She looked pissed.

"Okay, okay! There was nothing between you and Yuffie!"

The Critic felt her underwear being removed.

"W...Who's removing my...

"Nothing you need to worry about."

The Critic blushed.

"You know, you're cute when you're scarred shitless." Tifa said.

"Why, thank--- Wait, what?! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"

Tifa giggled a bit at the Critic's reaction.

"Thi---This makes no sense---"

The Nostalgia Critic laughs uneasily, finally snapped.

"I said....shut up."

"Eheh, eheh--eheheheheh"

Tifa pulled down the top of the Critic's dress.

"Eheh-- Ehehheheheheheh."

"...Yeah..." Tifa said, looking over at the Critic. "...I can get down to this..."

"Eheheh....Ehwhu?"

Tifa bent down low and licked the Critic's now bare upper body. The Critic just started giggling uncontrolably. Tifa then reached a hand back and placed a finger between the Critic's legs. The resulting feeling was quite....pleasurable.

"Eheheheheehehehehahahaha....." The Critic starts randomly muttering.

After a moment, Tifa leaned back. "Come on critic....you know you want a piece of this action..." She said, pulling up her own skirt.

"Oh, screw it. I'll just go along with it." The Critic said, copping a feel.

"...Yes...now we're getting somewhere..." Tifa said, followed by her licking the Critic's breasts.

"Mmm... So that's what that feels like." The Critic said, and repaid the favour. And then Tifa's top was removed.

"Wow, they really ARE big!"

Tifa's response to this was to press her breasts into the Critic's face.

"Mmmm!!!" The Critic began to lick.

A few moments later, Tifa's fingers between the Critic's legs were replaced by....something else. Something a lot bigger.

"WhAAAAA----" The Critic blushes, and looks past Tifa's boobs to look.

Cloud had begun to get in on the action.

"Oh, Great." The Crittic rolled his/her eyes. "Eh, I'll just roll with it."

After a few moments...the feeling between the Critic's legs subsided...

"...A...Ahhh?" The Citic was too busy french kissing Tifa to notice.

"...Wha-What just happened." Came a strange voice.

Tifa stopped kissing the Critic and looked. The Critic also looked, pausing. It turned out the voice had come from Cloud, who was now sporting a pair of breasts. He, or rather she, was staring down at them confused.

"Ha! Take that!" The Critic said, and laughed a bit.

Cloud climbed onto the bed, and got up in the Critic's face. "....You will pay for this."

"But I didn't do anything! I swear!"

"Give me one reason to believe you." Cloud said. Meanwhile, Tifa didn't seen to shaken up by this...odd turn of events.

"Cause I was too busy kissing Tifa to be able to do anything like that to you?"

"That's a minor issue. I know you did something."

"How?"

"I could feel the pulse of materia."

"I don't have any weapons or acsessories to equip materia to!"

"You have something! You must!"

The Critic looked down at his/her crotch. "Not anymore."

"Then explain how this could have happened."

"How CAN I when none of the stuff in THIS WORLD MAKES NO SENSE?!"

"Try."

"It would make about as much sense as a superhero called Captian Girlyboy and the Thousand Legged Exploding Pants."

Cloud wasn't amused.

"Oh what? It makes as much sense as your movie!"

"Ok...You are coming with us, and you are going to help me fix this." Cloud said, grabbing the Critic by the arm and pulling him off the bed.

You could always use that Sex Change materia you've got! Logic? What's that!"

"...What sex change materia?"

"....The thing that turned me into a girl?"

"That wasn't me..."

"....Then you guys DIDN'T turn me into a girl?"

Cloud and Tifa got dressed. "No."

"Why would you think that?" Cloud asked

".....What."

"Seriously, why did you think it was me?"

"Why WOULDN'T I think it was you? "That's the shorter answer!"

"Give me a real answer."

"That was the answer. You were threatening to slice my nuts off!"

"What would I gain out of turning you into a girl?"


"...What wouldn't you gain? You'd get revenge, for one."


"No....Getting revenge would involve slicing your nuts off. Turning you into a girl is just pointless."

"It's close enough."

"...Who was the last person you saw when you got turned female?" Tifa asked

"....I can't remember."

"Try....It might help."

"Cait Sith?"

"...Moogle riding bastard...knew he couldn't be trusted." Cloud said.

"....So should I get dressed now?"

"...Yeah."

The Critic shrugged, and put on the dress again.

"Let's go..." Cloud said, heading outside.

The Critic followed, and When the group got outside, they found a wedding procession going on. At the alter was none other than Aerith and Sephiroth. "...I know pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Gainsborough. You may kiss the bride." The man leading the procession said, followed by a bunch of NPC's clapping, and Sepiroth's kissing of Aerith.

"NO-DOES-NOT-WORK!" The Critic immediantly released a storm of "No's".

"Just.....shut up and go with it for ONCE." Tifa said.

"F..F.FFFFF-----*Sigh* Fine." The Critic clapped slowly.

Aerith and Sephiroth then proceeded to walk down the aisle, to a large wedding cake, which they proceeded to cut together. Cue more clapping. Cloud and Tifa (with the Critic in tow) went over to give their congratulations.

Suddenly, Sepiroth turned into a girl.

"...What....the...?" Sephiroth said, suddenly noticing something....off. "...This just became awkward."

"What? I don't notice anything's different." The Critic said.

"What's wrong?" Aerith asked, placing a hand on Sephiroth's chest. She pulled it back and shrieked upon feeling the new....body part.

".....What? Am I the only one not noticing anything wrong?"

"Are you blind?" The group said in near unison.

"No, seriously. What's going on?"

Aerith grabbed the Critic's hand and placed it on Sephiroth's chest. She felt boobs.

"Oh. Well s/he was too adrongenous anyway for me to tell the differene."

Cue Sephiroth's fist being introduced to the Critic's face.

"OW! That hurts, you know!"

"And do I not have feelings too?" Sephiroth asked

"Maybe if you cut your hair when you were a guy." The Critic shrugged

Sephiroth glared at the Critic. "...Come on, let's go." Aerith said.

The Critc chuckled a little. "So... What now?"

"We find Cait Sith. And maybe get some answers." Cloud said, heading for the buggy.

The Critic followed, and random people started turning into girls around them. Around 50% of them. They eventually got in the buggy and drove off.

Cloud was driving the buggy, so s/he was... Otherwise occupied for The Critic's interests, as s/he poked at Tifa's breasts. "So shall we continue where we left off?"

Tifa slapped the Critic.

"Ow!"

"Just a suggestion!"

"Can you not see we have more pressing concerns right now?"

"Still, wouldn't hurt to have a little more fun on the road... If you catch my drift."

Tifa glared a bit at the Critic.

"Aww, come on. We were just getting warmed up, before! It's not like this buggy can move vast distances in the space of hours. Who's to say we can't have a bit of fun on the way?"
"...We did spend 3000 gil on the guy..." Cloud said, jokingly.

"Yeah...might as well get our money's worth..." Tifa said.

The Critic chuckled. "That you did, Cloud. That you did. Oh and Cloud, Maybe I should call you Lightning now that you're a girl?"

Cloud slammed on the brakes.

"...What did you say?" Cloud said, giving an evil look at the Critic.

"Lightning? Cloud? Get it? Lightning comes from clouds...."

"Never. Mention. That. Reject. Again. ...Ever."

"....Hey, you gotta admit, the chick's hot." The Critic shrugged.

"...Last warning."

"Okay, okay! I won't mention her again!"

"...Better not." Cloud said, going back to driving.

The Critic turned to Tifa. "So... Shall we?"

"Fine...but only because it's 3000 gil."

The Critic chuckled. "Let's do it."

So Tifa leaned over and got on top of the Critic, and started to pull down her dress.

"Mmm..." The Critic said, and removed Tifa's top, and bra. The Critic started massaging Tifa's boobs. Tifa reached down between the Critic's legs and began....pleasuring a certain spot. The Critic moaned a little, and repaid the favour to Tifa, slightly faster.

Cloud adjusted the rearview mirror as Tifa pulled her skirt up. Tifa then proceeded to lick the Critic's upper body. Slowly.

The Critic moaned, and moved his/her hands a bit deeper into Tifa's... Pleasurable areas. Tifa let out a slight orgasmic sigh, and then pressed her boobs to the Critic's face. The Critic let out a similar sigh, and began licking Tifa's nipples. Cloud adjusted the rearview mirror again.

And so they climaxed.

Tifa sat up. "Well....I'd call that decent." She said, stretching a bit.

The Critic was panting a bit. "Y...Yeah."

Tifa turned to Cloud. "How much longer is this drive going to take?" She asked. "We should almost be there." Cloud said in response.

"....W...Where are.. We going again?" The Critic panted.

"The one place we can find Cait Sith." Cloud said, as Tifa got off of of the Critique.

"....Shinra HQ?"

"Exactly."

"Predictable."

"Was that a shot?" Tifa asked, raising a fist at the Critic.

"No, I'm just Genre Savvy."

Tifa punched the Critic anyway.

"Ow!"

The group soon arrived at Midgar.

"Well, here we are." The Critic said, stepping out.

"To Shinra HQ." Could said.

"...We don't have to go through that Wall Mart thing again, do we?"

"Do we look like we're in Wall Market? ....That reminds me....we do need to return you at some point." Tifa said, giving the Critic an evil look.

"Yeah. Preferably as a male."

"We'll be the deciders of that."

"I don't think you deserve it."

"Well THAT'S just fucking great."

"...I suggest you watch what you say, and what you do for a while....starting now." Tifa said, getting in the Critic's face.

"....Don't try me."

"I thought I already tried you on the way here?"

Tifa slapped the Critic. "You know what I meant."

"Will you STOP doing that?"

"Will you stop acting like an idiot?"

"....Fine."

Tifa started walking forward. "Let's go."

"Yes. Let's." The Critic said, following.

The trio eventually made their way to Shinra HQ.

"Well, here we are." The Critic said.

They cut around to the back alley, dragging the Critic with them.

"Hey! What's with the dragging! I'm coming willingly, you know! I want to find a way back to my own reality AND my own GENDER!" The Critic complained.

"We figured you weren't going to like how to get in here..." Cloud said, opening a door. Inside was a massive staircase.

"Oh, for FUCKS SAKE."

"Yeah, let's go." Cloud said starting to run up the stairs.

Eventually they made it to the top, and the Critic paused for a breather. "I... Never would have guessed... That running... Up stairs... As a girl... Without a bra... Would be so.... Eughhh...."

"...Hard part's over. We're almost there...." Cloud said, sound a bit out of breath.

The Critic nodded. "Let's... Take a breather..."

"...Fine."

And so they took an uneventful breather, and then continued.

"We need to get to floor 66." Cloud said. "...He'll be there."

"Then what the hell are we waiting for? Let's go." The Critic said.

And so they went.

The arrived on floor 66, and were standing outside a pair of double doors labled "Executive Meeting Room."

"...Shall we knock?"

Tifa went up and kicked open the door.

"...That works too."

Inside was Reeve Tuesti, and his remote controlled pet project, Cait Sith.

"Alright, dude, explain, before I turn you into a dudette!" The Critic said, firmly.

Reeve pulled a gun out of his suit. "I ask the questions around here! Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I remember it so you don't have to. Now talk."

"Oh yeah....the jerk who has a problem with Final Fantasy 7....I know you..." He points the gun at the Critic

"Oh what, we're going to use guns in a universe where swords are the most powerfull weapons now?" The Critic joked.

Reeve fires, hitting the Critic in the arm. "OW, SON OF A BITCH! THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"

"Are you going to take back what you said? I took your manhood....that's not all I can take from you." Reeve said.

"So it WAS you!"

"Yes, it WAS me....what of it?"

"It's not extended to just me, you know. People outside of me are getting Feminized. Look at Cloud here." The Critic said, motioning to Cloud. "Looks like you fucked up, man."

"...A small price to pay..." Reeve said.

"You're a sick fuck, you know that?"

"All you have to do is write the damn positive review....and everything goes back to normal."

"FINE. I'll FUCKING DO IT then!"

"...Really? You're actually going to write it?"

"Not like i've got a fucking choice!"

"...Wow...I actually thought I was going to have to kill you for a second."

"You'd KILL just to have someone say nice things about your movie? That's fucked up, man."

"We are the beings of perfection. We must do what we can to preserve that reputation."

The Critic sighed, shrugging. "Whatever."

"So....really, you're actually going to do it? You aren't bullshitting us here, right?"

"Of course not. My fucking life's on the line, what choice do I have?"

"You better not be lying to me...." Reeve said, pulling out the Sex Change materia and bringing it over to the Critic. A short time later, everyone was back to their proper gender.

"...Wait, what? There really is a Sex Change materia?" The Critic said.

"Would we really lie about something like that?" Reeve said, putting the materia in a safe.

"To be honest, Yeah. I think you would."

"So...." Clould said, folding his arms.

"....You gonna return me to the real world now?"

"As long as you write that review...."

"And what if I choose not to review it at all?"

"Then I guess we can say we're even... No news is good news..."

"...Right. See you guys later." A portal back to the normal world opened, and the Critic stepped through without a moments hesitation.

The Critic found himself back in the normal world, in his house, with all his review stuff set up and ready to go, and FFVII: AC was sitting on top of his DVD player. He picked up the disk, and immediatly proceeded to smash it. Brutally.

He then walked up to the camera. "And that, my friends, is all I have to say about Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children". He then posted the review to his site, consequences be damned.

He was found dead in the street the next day with what police said was a detached helicopter blade embedded in his back.

Nobody fucks with Cloud.